Sunday/Monday is the day when I usually write my blog. I wanted to write about how I did on my budgeting in April 2018, but instead, I will write about my very profound experience from Saturday night. I went for an ayahuasca ceremony.
I was quite scared of the entire process as I attended a similar ceremony in 2015, however, with a different facilitator. My last experience was very hard, but I made it through. At that time, I did not set up any intentions and my visions and messages were blurry and confused except for one – a female voice telling me: “Your face is not gonna be this beautiful forever, you have to accept it, but you will be beautiful from inside”. This message made me cry.
This time I decided to prepare better. I was on a special diet (dieta) for a week. I ate my last meal on Saturday morning and fasted the entire afternoon. I also prepared emotionally. Saturday afternoon I wrote what it is that I am forgiving myself for as well as other people who I am forgiving and for what. I set up my intentions for the ceremony and wrote them on the second page of the same paper. My intentions included, among others, getting rid of fear and self-loath, accepting myself and learning to trust more. I also asked to be shown what I need to see to become a better and kinder person.
After arrival at the ceremony place, I chose my corner (next to a fridge as I enjoyed its humming sound) and placed my intentions and forgiveness paper under my sleeping mat. There were about 24 people, one facilitator, and five helpers at the ceremony. The facilitator and the helpers called angels were there to hold space for the participants. Gongs were set up behind the facilitator which I was very excited for as I love the gong sound.
We started with an opening circle. We introduced ourselves and talked about our former experience with Aya. After that, the ceremony started. First drink of medicine was offered and then the waiting began. I was meditating and focusing on breath, however, I did not feel anything for the first hour. I participated, therefore, in the second drink as well. As soon as the first person purged (puked) the music started. First, it was a gongs journey and later the facilitator and helpers were singing. By the way, they sang for the entire ceremony which was 5 hours. The facilitator was burning sage and other incense throughout the ceremony as well to keep the bad spirits away.
Shortly after my second drink, I started to meditate again. In my meditation, I was telling the medicine that I am open for her to enter me and show me what I need to see. I started to cry and sob uncontrollably. Then the trip started and I found myself stuck in this weird loop where I was mad at myself for what I have become and that I did not achieve more in my life. I also had this strong feeling of having to be the one who works a lot to provide for the family. This feeling was very heavy and old and stuffy. I was so weirded out by that feeling as I don’t have kids to take care of and I felt like this is not my own feeling. This heavy feeling has been there for ages, and I felt like it was maybe my mother’s feeling as she had to take care of three kids by herself after my father died young. I kept going in this loop of familiarity and deja vu of the heaviness of being the only provider and I was longing for somebody to take care of me, to be there for me so I do not have to work my ass off. I also was mad at myself why I am here again, in the middle of puking hippies, why I keep coming back. I told myself that there is a better way to spend Saturday night, maybe by working and making money. I also heard myself repeat no pain no gain and this will stop one day, this is just temporary. And then I purged (puked). Something really big and heavy came out of me. Suddenly there was quietness in the room, which amplified the heaviness of my purge. I asked Aya what did I puke out. Was it fear? Was it self-loath? But she did not say.
And suddenly I felt this beautiful feeling of being taken care of. Being loved, carried and protected. She appeared as this blond sexy girl and I kept calling her babe. She was showing me my life in about 24 frames a second, it was so fast I had to ask her to slow down as I was getting nauseous. “Easy, babe, slow down please.” And she did. And then she said to me: “Be who you are and own it, girl! And do it with sass!” That made me smile. And I felt like I found my best friend- this sexy sassy girl who is down to enjoying life fully. Suddenly she was sending me pictures of her fluffy white dog and I told her that I have a dog too. My little black MZ. I was so happy for having this little rescue dog in my life. I was giving MZ pink bows and taking pictures of her and posting it on something like social media. And suddenly I laughed at myself what I have become. A person obsessed with her dog. Like the people, I used to laugh at and condemn. Oh karma, you got me as always.
And after this, my babe took me on a crazy adventure through multiverse showing me different scenes of people playing and dancing at a carnival. Amazing colors and shapes, everything was so fast and it kept changing quickly. I asked her why are we here on this planet. Why are we alive and suffering? What is the point of being human, broken, hurting? But she would not answer. And suddenly she stopped the fast visions and I saw white figure skater on a bright green background sliding in and then she stopped the scene and said: “Just a fleeting moment. It is here and puff, it’s gone.” I saw a female hand holding sparkles and fluff in which she blew and like magic, the skater disappeared. And the fast show continued. She took me to a different planet with a multidimensional architecture. Buildings adjusted their shape based on the needs of the user there. It looked so cool. Then she showed me this very interesting machine. It was a black pole with a crystal-like light bulb on the top with a hologram of numbers coming out of it. There were people standing around it and I asked why. She said that they are charging it to work. So I asked if I can try. People disappeared and I felt a lot of heat in my hands and shins. Those were the parts of my body I touched the black pole with. And the light went on and the hologram of random numbers appeared. It was so cool. My journey continued and I kept asking about the purpose of life and she would not say, but here and there she would stop the visions to enjoy the fleeting moment of somebody’s smile or look. And then I asked if we are here to take care of each other and help each other. Again no answer. After that, I slowly came out of my trip.
I was again aware of the room I was in. I felt so much gratitude for being back in reality and for experiencing this beautiful journey. I felt like my heart was filled with love. Like somebody poured love directly into my heart. It was almost overflowing with love and gratitude. Suddenly I felt so much love for my mother and I saw myself sending her an email telling her how much I love her and how grateful I am for raising me. That made me cry. I was able to listen to the beautiful songs the facilitator and another female helper were singing. Some of the words were so fitting to my journey, especially about picking up my broken wings and learning to fly. I saw sacred geometry all over the walls of the room and the tree behind the window was dancing. Everything was so beautiful. I drank some water and kept enjoying the come down of the medicine. I felt her gurgling down in my stomach and asked her to clean my guts so that I don’t get bloating as often (which I have been suffering from). I also felt pressure in my vagina and I asked her to clean and clear it for me. I kept enjoying the music and the presence of the medicine- my babe. Although I knew that she will be leaving soon which I was ok with. I thanked her for visiting me. She winked at me and was gone.
Later I fell asleep for couple hours, but could not sleep much more. I felt tired but energized at the same time. In the morning there was a closing circle for the ceremony and it was beautiful to hear everybody else’s story. Sunday night I sent an email full of love to my mother, who is in the Czech Republic, the way I saw it during my journey.
Today, I woke up energized and very light. Like some rigidity I had for years fell off. My mom answered my email that she loved it and that it made her cry. Now I just want to continue to integrate this experience into my life and spread the love around the world.